Should I end things with someone I've been dating?

Nobody outside your life can tell you whether to end it, but you can figure out what’s driving the question. If it’s something about this person, take that seriously. If it’s mostly guilt about letting someone down or dread of empty weekends, those deserve a look before you decide either way.

Why is it so hard to end something that’s ‘fine’?

Meet Rana, 45. She runs a small bakery, has a 15-year-old at home on alternate weeks, and finally has a Sunday routine she loves. For seven weeks she’s been seeing Paul. He’s kind, on time, asks good questions and texts back. There’s nothing wrong. And after every date she drives home thinking, ‘I don’t feel anything.’ Then he asks about Saturday and she says yes.

You’d think saying no would be easy when there’s no spark. Research suggests it isn’t. In two studies led by psychologist Samantha Joel, single people said in the abstract that they’d turn down a date who wasn’t attractive to them or didn’t fit what they wanted, but when they thought the situation was real, they were much less willing to do it.1 The researchers point to concern for the other person’s feelings, something people tend to overlook when imagining the decision.1

That’s a lovely quality, and it’s also how people end up seeing someone for months out of politeness.

Is it too early to tell?

Sometimes, yes. Liking can grow with time. In a study by Harry Reis and colleagues, pairs of strangers who talked longer ended up more drawn to each other, partly because they felt more understood, more comfortable and more like they knew the other person.2 That study involved same-sex strangers getting acquainted, not dating, so it can’t tell you about romance directly. But it supports a sensible idea: a flat first or second date doesn’t say much.

Seven weeks is different. If comfort and knowing each other have grown and the feeling still hasn’t, that’s information. Ask yourself:

• Do I feel more like myself around them than I did at the start?
• When something good happens, do I want to tell them?
• Is the ‘nothing’ I feel calm, or empty?

Calm can be the beginning of something steady, especially if your past relationships ran hot and chaotic. Empty is usually just empty.

Am I keeping it going so I’m not alone?

Be honest here, because it matters. In research led by Stephanie Spielmann at the University of Toronto, people with a stronger fear of being single were more willing to settle: they were more likely to stay in unsatisfying relationships and were less selective when picking partners through online dating and speed dating.3 Men and women showed the same pattern.3

If you’re single in your 40s after a breakup that reshuffled things, the fear of empty evenings can be real. It isn’t a reason to stay or a reason to go. It’s a separate thing, and it deserves its own answer: friends, plans, a life that holds you up whether or not you’re dating.

How do I sort out what I’m feeling?

Try four short lines:

• What happened: facts only. ‘Seven dates. He’s been kind every time. I haven’t wanted to kiss him.’
• The reading: ‘There’s no chemistry, and there won’t be.’
• The fear: ‘If I end this, I’ll be back on the apps, and I’ll hurt someone nice.’
• The next step: one date with a clearer question, or an honest ending.

When the facts are thin and the fear is loud, you may need more information. When the facts have been the same for weeks, you may already have it.

How do I end it without making it a whole thing?

Say it plainly, kindly and once. Most people dread this conversation more than they need to. In research by Emma Levine and Taya Cohen, people who were asked to be fully honest in conversations they usually avoid found them more enjoyable than they expected, and the people listening reacted less badly than predicted.4 That research wasn’t about breakups, but the lesson carries: the honest version is usually less costly than the one you play out in your head.

A short message or a brief call is fine at this stage. You don’t owe a full review of what didn’t work. You do owe a clear ending rather than a slow fade.

What if they scare you?

If the person you’re seeing has threatened you, tracks where you are, pressures you or reacts in ways that make you afraid to end things, your safety comes first. Leaving someone who is controlling can be the most dangerous time, and the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you plan how to do it safely. You don’t need to be certain it’s abuse to call.

What to do this week

• Write the four lines above after your next date, not before.
• Plan one evening that isn’t a date, to check how much of this is about company.
• Ask the clearer question: ‘What would I miss?’
• If you’ve decided, say it within a few days. Waiting usually makes it harder on both of you.

What doesn’t the research show?

• The rejection studies involved potential dates, not people several weeks in.1
• The familiarity study used same-sex strangers, so it speaks to liking in general, not romantic chemistry.2
• The honesty research covered everyday conversations, not ending a relationship.4
• None of it can tell you what you feel. It can only help you notice what else is in the room when you decide.